Thursday, August 08, 2002


"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail."
--Gore Vidal

So my wife and I had an argument. We have just moved far from our former parish and so obviously will be attending a new church. The incomparable Miss S, a former member of Organized Agnosticism, wants to parish shop, whereas I, having been raised in the One True Faith, believe we are stuck with whatever slobs and cretins we happen to live near. (Spare me complaints about my uncharity: we have moved into a college dorm. Even the smart kids are cretins in college.) Now, I know (I read it somewhere, perhaps on a box of "Holy O's" or "Beaties--the Breakfast of Martyrs!") that we in the Apostolic Line of things don't get to choose. We are stuck with the people around us, and--more to the point--they are stuck with us. Unless we run around advocating abortion and the like, we are pretty much immune. (That's still an offense, right?) But the Barely-Converted Heretic doesn't ever believe me when she doesn't like my answer, so we decide to appeal to a higher authority: Mom. (Not, in this case, Holy Mother Church.) Mom, you see, is a theology student at a major metropolitan newspaper--er, theology school.

But this school, being run by a society that rhymes with Sneezes, hasn't gotten around to teaching the answer to basic questions yet, even though Mom's been there a while. (Hi Mom!) So Mom appeals to Mom (yes, this time I mean Holy Mother Church). She asks a priest well-versed in such mundane things as canon law (though how he found time for it with all the Wellness Seminars going on I have no idea) and he, of course, comes back with the expected answer:

We all were secretly converted to the Congregational Church in 1983. Apparently, the whole "fighting communism" thing was just a ruse to distract us, a sleight-of-hand meant to ensure that we didn't know that the Holy Father was handing over the keys of Heaven to some really groovy new-age folks.

In other words, I was wrong, and it is now perfectly fine to live in Tulsa but attend Mass in Opaloosa. Where's that link for that Pius the 13th guy again?

[PS Wouldn't it be cool if people who belonged to Organized Agnosticism got to put letters after their name, like it's a religious order, or a British thing. "JB Kairos Guy, OA, OBE, KCE"?]

[PPS Anyone who has a recipe for "humble pie" please email it to me. Apparently, in my house I not only have to eat it, I get to bake it too.]


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